Spontaneous Queer Eye Combustion

So the other night I headed up to an old friend's apartment in the city. Haven't hung out in a long time. He was having like a party type get-together and I decided to motivate and go. I get there and there's like a bunch people hanging out. Everyone seemed nice. (It immediately noticed my rusty social skills because I'm inside so much and not used to talking to groups of people I don't know. I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm crazy). Anyway, we're all hanging out and half-watching Olympics Ceremonies-- and I start getting a read on everyone at the party. Finding out what they do or where the live or whatever. I suspected one of the guys was gay but I wasn't sure. He could have gone either way. He seemed a little gay-- but who knows? (umm... gay people do I guess.)

Anyway, at some point I go to pee. When I get into the bathroom I notice there's no toilet paper on the roll-- although I didn't mind-- I did take note that the girls might totally mind. Plus, there was a plastic tissue box dispenser with no tissues. This host of the party is a long time bachelor sort of guy so I guess he didn't pick up on the situation. I sort of whatevered it. Not soon after all the girls got up and left together in a group. They said their goodbyes and were gone. Our host told us other people were on their way over--- so we had some time to just hang out. 

Within a couple minutes of the girls leaving-- the guy I suspected might be gay simply couldn't contain himself anymore. He started to lecture our host full blast. He said, 'We have to talk about your apartment...'  He started in on the fact that there was no toilet paper in the bathroom. It was a party faux pas at the highest level. Plus, no tissues in the box! He said that's why the girls left. Because it seemed like he didn't care about them. Then he went on to say that the lighting in the bathroom was horrible. He said it was unforgiving and insisted he lower the wattage on all the bulbs asap. (At this point I took out my mental notepad). Then he told the guy that his plaid patterened shower curtain screamed 'frat house' or something. He said he should get a shower curtain that is a little see-through but with a design of some sort on it so it's not just clear plastic. He said girls like to feel sexy when they shower. Not locked in some sort of plaid box. He also said the plastic peach soap dish was terrible-- although I couldn't see why that was. He said the bathroom is a girl's sanctuary-- and this bathroom was basically an F.

Then he went into the kitchen. He mentioned that the lighting in the kitchen was wrong too and the whole setup was terrible. It wasn't inviting for cooking. He said, when a girl goes into a kitchen she wants to imagine herself cooking in there-- even if she doesn't cook. Not clattering around looking for stuff and fighting for space. Also the kitchen had like a bedroom style door on it for no reason. He suggested taking to door off the wall. He also thought the fridge was in the wrong place altogether.

Then he went into the next room. He said the giant ceiling fan over the big table was terrible and it should come down if it's never used. He suggested putting in some sort of chandelier that can be lowered and raised. He also then started in on the layout of the room itself. The dining room table was up against a wall to 'save on space'. He was like, 'That's up against the wall all the time?!!' Apparently this was an insane design move and he had us move the table away from the wall. And then we moved a cabinet from one wall to the other to balance it out. He said all the little statues and chotchkies should not be spread out evenly over the top of the cabinet too. He said they should be grouped together more. And everything grouped on the left to offset something or other. He told us about feng shui and how you never block a mirror and some other things. Within fifteen minutes the whole place looked much better. (And there was toilet paper on the roll).

He wasn't all harsh on the apartment. He did make a point of pointing out the things that were right or acceptable-- but I felt like he could have kept doing the redesign for hours. He didn't even get into paint or window stuff or whatever. Anyway, when more people and chicks showed up I could see our host was more proud of his place etc.

 In any case, I thought it was pretty funny that this guy flat-out outted himself (yes he did say he was gay-- not an assumption etc) when he may not have otherwise. He simply couldn't stand his surroundings and under the circumstances he took the opportunity to help out a bro-- and tell a straight guy what girls really want and need.

ok bye!

tOdd