The Tie Survivor Blab
I've been drinking some wine tonight and was like, 'Hey! I should write something!'
So I looked around my apartment for stuff to write about and was like, 'Hey! I should write about how I don't know how to throw out electronics! Like old DVD players and like old TVs and stuff! Like do I put them on the curb or what? Or is that like illegal?'
Then I was like thinking about writing something about how you can't learn to play drums. You can only learn to play drums better.
Then I was gonna write about how I had to take a hammer to my freezer over the weekend because it filled with ice and hard frost snow-- (it was snowed in) and how I felt it was relaxing to chip away at ice and how there might be a relaxation technique in ice chipping in the same way there is with like candle gazing or whatever.
Then I was thinking about having an eBay auction with some of the stuff I don't know what to do with then that seemed like a hassle. Plus does anyone want a WWII gas mask?
Then I was gonna talk about how a couple weeks ago I was at this bar and there was a bartender that seemed like sick with like something gross. Like his face was red and he was all sweaty and he actually sneezed and I was grossed out because he made me a vodka tonic and I couldn't stop thinking about how he squeezed the lime in my drink with his gross fingers and I got paranoid about swine flu cooties.
Then I was gonna write about how you can't be scared of any sort of plague until you personally know someone who has that plague.
Then I looked in my closet and saw I had all these ties and I was like, 'Why do I have all those ties?' I wear one tie on average a year (maybe) so what's with all the ties so I took all the ties out of my closet and was gonna arrange for a vote to see which ties need to get the hell out of here because realistically I only need like five ties max-- and maybe some people out there would like a nice tie? And I could like donate the ungood ties or whatever so I took out all the ties and took a picture of them:
Then when I looked at them-- none of those ties looked particularly hideous or whatever. Not sure what's in right now thicker or thinner-- but I'm gonna write about them anyway because I wanna write about something:
1. Brown and black one with the triangles. That's an 'Exclusively For You - Lord and Taylor' tie. I don't know when I got it. Probably haven't worn it since 1995.
2. Maroon tie. Christian Dior tie. Not sure where I got. I probably haven't worn it since my Bar Mitzvah.
3. This is Jerry Garcia tie. Has weird fish on it. I got it in the 80's. It still makes me feel like J.Garcia branding was the product of a sneaky legal loophole.
4. That blue guy is a Banana Republic tie. Probably circa 2001. I remember wearing this to a wedding once. It seems fancy.
5. That gold one is a Faconnable tie. Not sure when I got it. It feels the most expensive and bestest of all the ties.
6. That paisley one is a Fendi tie. I borrowed it from my friend Chris at college and never returned it. Haven't worn it since around 1991.
7. The one that looks like a lizard is a Guess tie. I don't ever remember wearing it. It was always ugly to me.
8. That stripey one is a Tommy Hilfiger. I remember wearing it back in the day and feeling 'bold' while wearing it.
9. That blue with the dots is also Banana Republic but it's boring or something. I feel like I can do better.
10. That maroon and yellow tie I used to wear when I was on the Gap Management Training Program and probably haven't worn it since I quit the Gap Management Training Program.
11. That Blue Yellow tie is Kenneth Cole. It used to be my favorite tie. Also stolen from a friend in college for whatever reason.
12. That grey uggo is DKNY. I think it was a gift. It looks like a gift. Never worn it. Apologies to the person who gave me this gift.
13. This orange flower tie says 'Charleston' on the back. I remember buying it in Grand Central Station in an emergency because I spilled coffee on whatever tie I was wearing at the time.
14. I've worn that gold stripey a decent amount. It's a Perry Ellis tie. It feels pretty good. I think I've worn it 5x or so but it got stains and is rooned...