The Staggeringly Frustrating Automated System of Time Warner Cable

So before I left NYC my digital phone and internet flaked out. I dreaded calling customer service. I knew the obstacle course of verbal terribleness which Time Warner Cable calls their 'automated' service.

First off, the day it went down I called customer service and the line was busy for two hours straight. (I'd say one out of five times I call that number it immediately goes to a busy signal. You're a massive media company! It shouldn't be possible to get a busy signal like it's 1977!) If I'm blessed enough to get through I'm asked by an overly calm friendly lady robot if I speak english. If I do I press one. Espanol press numbero dos or whatever. I press one. Then the woman wants to make sure I get to the right place and she wants me to speak my answer. There is no option on the keypad. I can only answer with voice. It begins.

'If you are calling about digital TV say, 'Digital TV'. If you're calling about 'Pay-Per-View' say, 'Pay-per-view'. If you have a service related issue say, 'Service'. 

I'll say 'Service'. 

And she'll say, 'You said, 'Billing, right?' 

I'll say, 'No.' 

She'll say, 'Sorry, I didn't get that. Please say yes or no. You said 'Billing' right? 

I'll get mad and say, 'No!' 

Then they'll be a long pause and the robot lady will come back and said, 'Hello. Are you there? Please answer yes or no.' 

I'll literally scream, 'NO!!!!!' Then I'll start pressing zero like a lunatic. 

And she'll keep saying, 'I'm sorry... 

I'll be like, 'NO! NO! NO! NO! SERVICE!! SERVICE!! GODDAMNIT NO!' (I'm sorry...) NO!!!! (Are you still there?) NO!! YOU STUPID ROBOT BITCH NO!!!' Screaming. 

Then they'll be long pause and then the coup day tata... the fast beeping disconnect busy signal. The disconnect.

So I'll call back. Calmly. And get a busy signal. I'll continue to methodically call. Busy signal. I'll attempt to drain the frustration down my spine and out me feet. Finally I get through. I speak english. And we do our dance again. This time around I decide to answer all of her questions with babblespeak. Hoping to confuse her, I'll only answer her questions with a blipblopblorp style of babble. Sometimes it gets me through if she gets confused. She transfers me. I blipblopblorp thru her questions and she keeps apologizing that she doesn't understand. I'll keep blipblopblorpblipblopblorpblipblopblorpblipblopblorp. When she tells me she can't hear me at all I'll increase the volume of my blipblopblorp to BLIPBLOPBLORPBLIPBLROPBLORPBLIBLOPBLORP! Sometimes this works. Sometimes I get disconnected.

And the most annoying thing of all if the robot lady is having a good day and admits she understands what problem I'm having. Whether that is technical, or billing, or digital tv, or digital phone. I am 100% convinced it all funnels down to the same bank of phones anyway-- where everyone is trained on the same stuff. I mean how hard is it to train someone to tell me, 'Unplug your modem. Wait 15 seconds. Then plug it back in. ...Did it work? No. Ok we'll have to send someone out. How's next Tuesday at 10?' Not very.

ok bye!

tOdd

PS. Oh! I almost forgot the best part! If you do get through they'll tell you there's a 15 minute hold time and they have a new service where if I dial in my phone number they will call me back when they're available in 15 minutes. They promise I won't 'lose my place in line'. They'll just call me back in 15 minutes. And they do! (I swear) Only to put me back on hold again. The robot lady will tell me they're experiencing 'Extended wait times'.

So to avoid me holding. They call me back fifteen minutes later. To put me on hold again. That robot lady has such balls!