Not Writing at Starbucks
So I've been "working" on writing this like sitcom comedy type dealio about this bachelor guy that lives in Brooklyn, right? And today I was sitting in front of my computer staring at it not thinking of anything good. I'd take breaks from not writing anything to check email or play Quake 4 Demo multiplayer online or just surf around and look at stuff or whatever.
Nothing was getting done so I decided that maybe I should try going somewhere else to do 'work'. Seemed like a good idea. New atmosphere! Force myself to work! Be responsible! So I took my 15lb toshiba laptop from the year 2000 over to Starbucks to see if I could write stuff there like people do.
I walk in to the Starbucks and there's a few people working on laptops. It felt weird. I've never been a laptop writer person coffay shop guy. So I immediately felt like I had this like new persona of laptop writer person coffay shop guy.
I didn't really work out great tho. I got on line at Starbucks and here's how thoughts went in my head:
Man, isn't it time they dropped the grande venti crap already? Doesn't it sound stupid for everyone? Ooh there's a table I hope no one snags it. I gotta sit near an outlet. That's my table. Should I get an oatmeal cookie or maybe a muffin? Or neither? Let me feel my cheeks to see how fat my face is. Let's do oatmeal cookie. Ok my turn. "One venti chai latte please. And an oatmeal cookie." Uch I feel like such a tool. Venti Chai Latte. They sure am tasty though. $6.30! WTF! Ripoff! Whatever. Maybe I can write it off because I'm here to do work. Do I need to tip? Take the dimes. Am I really going to put this receipt somewhere?
How long does it take to make one of these latte things? It's gotta be over 4 minutes easy already. Ooh! Some bitch just snagged my table before she even got on line! Dumped her stuff on it! Calm down dude. Don't call her a bitch. That was rude. I had no right to do that. You're just mad because you know you should have done that first. I apologize in my head to you... bitch. Just kidding. Now what? There are no tables. What do I just stand here and wait with my overgrown laptop? Do I start drinking my drink? It is hot but I feel like I should wait till I get a table. That dude looks like he's getting ready to get up. His drink is empty and he's just got like crumpled up napkins on his table. Is there an outlet by that table? Ooh! Outlet! I guess I should go over there and stand close by so no one else snags it first. I need that outlet. But I can't stand too close because then I'm hovering and I have no hover rights. Look at all these laptop people. I hope I can think of good stuff to write about. What time is it anyway? Too bad Roscoe isn't allowed in Starbucks.
Ok the guy is getting up. Here we go. Thanks. OK! Now we're cooking! Coat over back of chair. Plug it in. Turn on laptop. Crack knuckles. Sip drink. Laptop turning on and.... GAH! The sound is turned up and it played the Windows music all loud! I'm embarrassed. Why should I be embarrassed? Who cares? People did look up though. I'm a rookie. Sip. Chomp cookie. Ok. What's with the hourglass? C'mon! Load stupid old computer! Am I gonna find this holiday music distracting? I bet it's rough for the coffee bartenders to hear holiday music all day long. Reminds me of when I worked at the Gap. I don't like the new Gap ads with the rapper who raps about hoods. He rhymes hood with hood through the whole thing? In the hood. Wear a hood. What kind of rhyme is that?
Ok time to write stuff. Ok. Man, Final Draft is the laziest most more stupidest program. I hate it. Why does it always assume wrong? It's like a jerk. Ring ting ting-a-ling toooo. Is that like Roy Rogers singing or something? I wonder how many CDs they sell here. I bet alot. Ooh that girl has a nice butt. Too bad Roscoe's not here. I wonder what he's doing now. Can I get wireless access in here? How's that work? It would be cool to see what's going on on RoscoeCam right now. Too bad I don't have my wireless card. No! That's a good thing! Now start writing!! Sip. Chomp.
Ok. Let's see. Think funny things. Ready? Go! GO! Writing. I'm a writer. Look at me! Writing writer writes, right?! Ok. Let's think of things. Think of words! Ok. Thinking. That dude has a nice laptop! I wish I had a nice laptop. I wonder what Roscoe is doing. He's probably asleep. I wish I was asleep. Sip. Chomp. I'm jealous of my dog. I can't believe I'm writing in a Starbucks. Maybe I should have gone to that other place with the big couches. But it's always packed and that dude was rude to me once. Sip. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. That cookie was friggin good! This holiday music is distracting. It's getting crowded in here. I don't like my table. Is someone looking over my shoulder? Nothing to see here! I wish I had that guys big comfy seat by the window. Is he getting up soon? Starbucks comfy seat people always look so smug. Maybe I should wait this out so I can get the comfy seat. I bet I could think up some great stuff if I had a comfy seat like that guy. He's reading The Iraq Study Report book. Yawn. He's not really reading that. Is he? He must be smart or dumb. Study Group sounds like something from 8th grade. I wonder who gets the money for that book. The government? How's that all work? Can anyone publish that book? Was there an editor?
Whatever! Shut up! Time to write things! I can't believe I ate and drank everything already. I've been sitting here for like ten minutes and it's all gone? Maybe I should get a cupcake. I deserve one for some reason. I don't know what that reason is but I can think of one after. Maybe the sugar will speed up my brain. How do they make sugarcubes? I gotta google that later. That guy is talking too loud! Dial it down! Maybe I should go to the movies. Ok. If I write like five pages then I'm gonna reward myself with a movie. But what movie? Blood Diamond? That movie looks like it belongs in the garbage. It's just alot of running around I bet with some sad stuff thrown in. I bet there's a diamond sitting in some rich lady's drawer somewhere untouched for decades that would change my whole life. Like a million dollar diamond that no one wears. I want that diamond! I'd sell it on eBay. What if someone I know sees me here? Will they assume I'm now a Starbucks laptop guy now? This is a trial basis! Would I have to explain myself?
WRITE! RIGHT NOW! Ok! Shut up! I'm writing! If it wasn't for this stupid holiday music I bet I'd started a while ago. I might need a haircut. I don't like it when the back of my neck is all hairy. Ok! Go! That guy at the counter is being a jerk. I hate jerks. Is someone hovering by my table? Screw off! The seat back hurts my back. I want a comfy chair like that smug jerk. Why would I leave my apartment? I have comfy chairs there and all the coffay I want. Do I have milk? Do I need milk or did I just buy milk? I don't want to double up on milk because then I'll feel like I need to drink it all by eating alot of cereal which makes my face fat. Shut up about your face! It's your head that's too big! Go to a voodoo head shrinker! I wonder if they can just do it a little bit. Shut up!! Ha ha that lady just spilled! Ok shut up!!!
Here I go. Writing guy. Gonna start now.
Write funny things.
You ain't writing anything. I know! Shut up! No, you shut up! No you! That guy has a nice coat. You! No you! I'm gonna write things right... now!.............. I miss Roscoe. I need milk I bet. I gotta get out of here! Screw this place! It's loaded with distractions! And that guy is talking too loud! I bet if I go home I'll get to writing right away! Plus someone will be happy to have my table. I'm outta here! I don't even like supporting this place! This place sucks!
And home I went to write... and I did.... unfortunately it was this....
Now off to the movies!