I keep reading these back-and-forth arguments about children’s behavior in public places.  As someone who loves children and has both taught in the classroom and raised children at home, I think most of the problem is unrealistic expectations.  The extreme anti-child people expect 100 percent of people in a public place to be behaving 100 percent of the time, which is impossible.  The extreme pro-child people, on the other hand, feel that 100 percent of people in a public place should be patient with 100 percent of children, even if they are in the wrong place and/or misbehaving.  Here is my two cents worth.

1.       We’re setting kids up to fail whenever we take them out under the wrong circumstances.  Except for toddlers, most kids can function pretty well in public, but only if they are well-rested, well-socialized, and well-fed, and only for a limited time.  When we take the excited four-year-old to Memoirs of a Geisha or the tired, whiny seven-year-old to the sit-down restaurant with three courses, we’re asking for it.  Yes, sometimes we have to drag the screaming toddler to the pharmacy at 10 p.m., but most of the time we’re just fighting tired, hungry kids everywhere because we haven’t planned properly

2.       Take them home when they start to lose it.  It’s not worth it.  I agree with the guy who said to try and calm them once, and then take them out.  We don’t care how much you paid—our kids are at home and we’re enjoying the peace, or we’ve made the sacrifice ourselves and have ditched three dinners this month to get to this one quiet one with our kids.  Besides, none of the kids are going to learn how much fun it is to go out and act grown-up by running up and down the aisle in front of servers carrying hot food and steak knives.

3.       Enforce bedtimes.  Kids shouldn’t be out near bedtime, not only because it makes it hard for them to wind down and go to sleep, but because their behavior is going to be affecting adults who are out later and have a reasonable expectation of a kid-free evening.  Several studies have shown that tired kids are moody, easily frustrated, and hyperactive.  This is exactly the wrong time to have them in public and surrounded by stimulation and temptation.

4.       Consider the place.  Is this a place where long periods of being quiet, staying still, and keeping one’s hands to oneself are the norm?  If this is the case, perhaps it is unfair to expect a young or rambunctious child to spend three hours there.  Make these types of events—the late dinner, the evening movie in a theater, etc.—a rite of passage, someplace only big kids can go, until you are reasonably sure your child can handle it. If you must attend these places with your child, then be realistic:  plan short periods of “party manners,” and long breaks outside having active fun.  That way your child isn’t miserable and neither is everyone else in the place.

5.       Don’t confuse “cultural enrichment for my child” with “much more interesting for me as an adult.”  A five-year-old will learn just as much digging up bugs from the yard to identify as he or she will looking at rocks and skeletons in a natural history museum.  If you’re in need of more organized fare, there are plenty of kid-oriented educational venues where childish behavior (there’s a reason we call it that) is welcome.  We all get sick of Barney, but if a child isn’t ready, we just have to suck it up and call a sitter or miss the event.  If you must drag your child to the symphony or action movie this week, remember that a patron can’t hear the performance when distracted by crying or talking--so see #2.

6.       Don’t fear socialization.  Yes, children aren’t pets, a fact which makes their socialization even more important.  Let’s face it:  the untrained dog can stay home, be fed and loved, and still bark at the neighbors and dig in the trash every day until it dies.  Children, on the other hand, need to learn this stuff in order to survive on their own someday.  And it won’t make them abandon their family’s values, become a follower, lose individuality, become your mother, etc.  Social skills are just a tool.

7.       Last, but not least:  You reap what you sow.  If we insist on bringing kids to places when and where they cannot meet the behavioral norms, expect to see “no children allowed” signs there sooner or later.  Those of us who like children should focus our efforts on getting them ready to act appropriately in a variety of situations, not on forcing others to ignore their shortcomings when they are unprepared.